When one deserts you, and all hope is lost... What do you have left?

Determination. That's all I have... and that alone beats out the best weed, the strongest kin, and the most forceful of men.

Determination.

So many things have been running through my head lately... And none of them I can take the time to explain.

Family duties -- I have them. I wish other people could understand the obligations that I have to fulfill. I'll never explain it, probably not to anyone, nor will I explain the consequences if I fail...

Military -- ... but I'm a warrior. I know a warrior is different than a soldier. If I could go back to the way things were, of course I would. I can't live in the past, though. I can't bring back the way of leadership and respect, the true way of honor. I don't think it's even possible to have that again. And I've been finding more and more scars on me, too.

Relations -- I was talking to someone this morning. Relationships came into the conversation. I simply said, "I don't date." He asked how that work, the typical 'what the fuck' response and all that. He asked, what, if I just skipped the whole thing or if I just didn't do relationships or what.... I answered, simply, that I just don't, none of it. I think it blew his mind. He asked me why... "Worthless." I muttered under my breath. He didn't hear me, so I said it again. "Worthless... They're worthless."

I'm tired now, because I just got home from work not too long ago, but that has nothing to do with it. I don't care for boys, for girls, for love or relations of any sort. Get me a good buzz, a great high, and my body still gets hypersensitive, but that's completely different. When was the last time I dated? Well, honestly, it was back in February. When was the last time I cared? ... It was when I attempted to destroy the connection with the one person that made me the strongest, that made me feel the most... One of the two people I've ever loved, and the one that fucked me up the most. The last person I cared about, or even thought about caring for, well, I tried to destroy a part of his soul. I would have succeeded if circumstances had been a little different.

... Don't test. Don't trust. Don't believe. It's all real, and it still hurts like Hell.

-Going Away-
July 8, 2007

I might be going away soon
But for now's too soon to tell.
If anything is left behind,
Believe it'll be riddled words.
Few will know where I wake,
Footsteps shadow in rippled sand,
Love wades far behind,
Never knowing where I'll be.
Impossible to follow
When paths lay untread before.

I might be going away soon,
But no one's sure quite when.
There's no telling for how long
Nor when I might return.
I wish I'd explain it simply
So you'd understand the toll,
But only secrets can remain
In this unpleasant situation.

I might be going away soon,
And no one's certain where.
Confusion, struggles cloud the road
To hide those past the drama,
So don't worry if you can't see me,
It just means you're not looking hard enough.

I might be going away soon,
From the drugs and drama and drinking.
I hope to be going away soon
To let shadows fill the room
So shallow sights cannot be seen
From fragile boys afraid of loss
And uncertain girls who daren't try
For the things they really want.
Life leads us seperately
So as not to be confused,
But don't we all run reckless anyway
Because it's the pathetically easy way out?

I might be running alone soon,
So that I can make things happen,
Fulfill all my obligations
To family and beyond.
It means all will be finished,
That everything will find its peace;
Sovereignty and broken angel wings
Lay scarred and scattered at my feet.
I need them to find
All that lay around me.

I might be going home soon,
To train with the best and the fiercest.
Home to family and endless love,
To everything and nothing.
Searching wouldn't help anyway,
Unless you know where to start...
A shining moon, to trust the wolf
Inside and next to me,
So vicious battles be won with faith
As I tread these waters alone.

So I missed school on Thursday because I could barely move... I somehow managed through Friday, got a little stoned before I went to work, and then lasted there from 3 to 10...

Left work two hours early (I was 'in theory' working to 12, though I was on the schedule for a 4 -11) because I was in so much pain I couldn't walk and was crying.

My dad picked me up and took me straight to the UW (University of Washington) ER, bless him. They had me wait for about two hours, took me into the back and made my dad wait for another hour, then had us both wait for one more hour until they punctured the vein in my left arm trying to give me an IV...

Finally they got it on my right arm, pumped me full of drugs that, btw, weren't nearly as strong as they said they'd be. According to the doc, I shouldn't and wasn't likely to remember the event. Yeah, fuck that.... It HURT... and after doing four piercings the weekend beforehand without barely flinching, I mean it fucking HURT...

Finally, I get out of there and home around 6 am... call my supervisor at work (the Asst. Manager) who bitches and kept saying "You're killing me... You're killing me here." Finally I hand the phone to my dad, who was later pissed at how the Asst. Manager treated me, and I ate and passed-the-fuck-out...

Yay for the 'floaty meds', as I was referring to them last night. (Couldn't remember the actual name. Just remembered they made the room kind of glow and made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.)

And one last note... Vicoden ain't all it's cracked up to be.

I just miss the days when everybody gave a damn.

Please dear gods, make it stop hurting.

I'd like to dedicate this one to SM.... His wise words helped me see a lot of hidden things in the world and how people act. It is from him that I got my silence, and he helped to inspire some of my best works.

It was around this time last year that I first met him. That's where this comes from...

I highly suggest that EVERYONE stay FAR away from me this weekend.

No joke.

I'm serious.

..................

Someone make their dumb asses get online.

níl cinnte an áit tá ceann a ghabháil mé. aithním an áit mé croi a, ach tá fadhbanna ann. siad araon coinnigh mé slán; siad araon déan mé sona. mé déan gáire nó déan sdotaíl. muid magadh. tá bheith i ngrá le siad araon ach i bheatha difriúil.

tá mé croi. tá ó tús. tá sé deacair láithreach bonn, ach smaoineamh riamh rith sé liom. tá mo croí istigh inti ach is mian liom mé abair sé. is mian liom múscail taobh le é gach maidin, agus is mian liom siad sin beagán laethanta ní costas a an oiread. sé muinín mé; Aithním sé. tá feic tá sé ar a sháimhín in éineacht le mé níos mó ná cén uair muid in éineacht roimh. sé dúirt tá sé titim i ngrá le mé. is maith liom sin. an mothú é fáth dúil bhocht a bheith agat i, druga. féadfaidh é bheith i ngrá le cheana, amhail tá do é.

ach ansin tá an ceann eile ann, an sábháil. tá feic tá sé an níos mó láidir ceachtar. tá mothú amhlaidh sábháilte in éineacht le é. níl cabhair ach cion a bheith agat ar é. tá sé ann do mé amhail dlúthchara, deartháir mór beagnach. ansin mo smaointe seo maidin, mo intinn bheith srac le an rud a dúirt aréir. cé atá ann mé muinín aire a thabhairt do mé? agus sé súile... sé súile macasamhail mo chuidse. siad coinnigh an rud céanna tine, coinnigh an rud céanna ainmhíoch griolsa. tá déan mé fonn orm é a ghríosú bog chun tosaigh, scaoileadh é saor amhlaidh é níl a dhéanamh coinnigh cúl ar. céard má muid dul an árasán in éineacht? mhaith mé bhéith ábalta rud a coinnigh cúl ar? tá smaoinigh má mé le ligean a tine tar amach, cheannsa lean. má é dul as do chrann cumhachta, mé fosta. céard an contúirt scaoileadh saor dó na seanda? tá aithním é is féidir le smacht a bheith agat ar cois mé. níl amhras tá sé láidir go leor, seans réidh mar láidir mar mé... seans níos mó. an tú cad mé mian? aithním é atá. ar a laghad ar bith, sé bain sult as sé. tá sé teaghlach; tá mothú sí. is mian liom amháin feic é arís eile, féach isteach i a súile agus feic cad é laistiar de an ainmhí, cad é coinnigh an tine. mura mbeadh ann ach, mura mbeadh ann ach.

Code Red had been deactivated.

I'm spun up on chugging caffeine and mass amounts of chain-smoking.

...but I don't have to be AS worried about my friend's "freak out" (if that's what you'd call it) this morning.

*sigh* ...goddamn.

It tears me up inside that I can't be with those I love.

....if only, if only... if only I could make time fly faster.

tá géill i mo andúil agam

cóir uair

ní chuirfidh ligean tarlaigh arís. tá gealltanas.

I'm growing a little nervous... A little curious.

How long will I last with this new crew? I mean... since Malikai, nothing seems to stay. Nothing sticks anymore.

I wrote this last night before bed...:

For my Boys...

The only time I've ever confronted other women, it was for my Boys. The only time I've ever put up with threats. The only people who I've returned to after I've disappeared.

I offer them my unwavering protection and defense. Those I'd die for, that I'd give anything for. Family. When I strive just to see them happy, work to keep a smile on their faces. Those that hold my confidence.

I'd kill for them; I'd die for them.

Those that deserve the best.

I have to go home every night and look at that box... Being the only one who really knows what's in it, and being the only one who knows what all those things have done to me.

If ever you thought to worry about me before...

....Now would be a good time to begin.

Slit my wrist and ask me twice...
Show me life that isn't nice.
Ask me questions, make me think.
Realize what I've done then wink.
Don't lie, be harsh; Feel free to curse.
Push me, pull me; make it worse.
Live in freedom, feel it quick.
Lay it on me really thick.
I deserve the worst, so don't hold back.
Give me one more real hard smack,
Because nothing matters once it's lost.
Force me to remember what it'd cost.
Addiction is a hated thing...
Forces; I thought I'd never sing.
Gave it up when it got bad,
After that, thought life was had.
Over and done with, nothing more now.
Too bad I didn't know how
To set life free just like before,
Stay hidden behind that closed, locked door.
The past lay forgotten, things I'd never tell
Even though I should've known so well
How much they would have worried, yet all I could hide...
All these troubles battled with pride,
Because I didn't know any better
Almost lost in the gutter.
So many things I almost tried...
Right now I'm lucky I survived.

Blissed out, entranced...
Take a chance.
Trust the ledge;
Faith in the edge.
As I walk throughout day,
I hold memory
Within me, you'll see...
There's so much more I could be.
Work hard to fly.
Believe.
Try.

I fucking hate drama. Everyone I'm close to knows that. My decision.... Fuck Florida.

I miss my friends, but I can't do a damn thing about it. You boys can yell at me all you want, or you can deal with it. I don't care what I didn't tell you or if you think you have a right to know something. You can ask me whatever-the-fuck you think you want, but no answer is ever going to be good enough. If I wait, I lose. If I push any harder, don't you guys fucking get it?! I could have died, and I'm FINALLY admitting it! I was torn up, fucked up, any other words you can think of.

I. Almost. Died. And I. Can't. Take It. ANYMORE!

Anybody think I'm having a mental breakdown? Well, if you do, you're surprisingly wrong. For those who don't know, I am officially single now. It's been a while, to say the least. I don't want to say that I missed it, but there's something very different about how it feels when you're not dating someone three thousand miles away. Regardless, I care very much for my friends that are there, but I'm going to move on... Holding on isn't going to do me any good, and it's not going to help them either.

Truthfully, I do enjoy relationships, but I missed how fun my lil flings were. Males and females included, in fact. After all, I did get my reputation as a tease for a reason.

As I was standing outside on my lunch break yesterday, I just let the cold rush over me. It feels so good sometimes, you wouldn't believe. As I stood there, I was realizing so many things about the past couple years. I've harbored so much resentment, and it's time to let it all go. There's no more reason for it. I sent the world to Hell because someone did the same to me. That's not good enough.... I need more, and they need someone better than me. I know how bad it'd be if I were to move there. It's useless, pretty much. So much has been fucked up because of me, and I'm not going to do it anymore. Will I visit? Sure, why not? I mean, I probably will if Raven's there for a little while.

I get to relax... FINALLY. I took the weekend off, and I got to be exactly who and what I am: An intelligent, thoughtful, yet playful party girl who actually likes to stay in sometimes. There's no better way to describe me. I forgot how it felt to breathe it in, drink it down, and feel someone warm pressed against you.

I finally found a place that feels like home. It was heaven to be there, and I was just so comfortable that I want to go back that much more badly. I don't even really remember the last time I was somewhere that felt like home. Half a decade... Maybe more. Definately before my dad moved. Probably before I got into middle school, which means that I definately don't remember it. It's amazing how long you can live when you don't have a home. You're willing to do so much more, and you'll push that many more limits just because you can. Soon enough, I'll be able to go back home again. Sleep in a warm bed, safe and protected. Not only did I feel at home, I felt safe. The last time I felt safe in someone's grasp? Fuck if I know. Before Ryan and Bren and all them. Yet again, it seems it's been at least a few years.

I feel at peace finally. I worked so hard for so long, and now it's so different. This just seems to fall right into place, as opposed to pushing myself to be whatever I needed to be just so I could get everything set for Florida. There's quite a bit that would change if I decided to move back... But how could I give this up? A home. One that I KNOW feels like home. Raven's already thinking of moving back, or maybe not even leaving at all. It just feels... right, and nothing felt that way in a long time, seemingly just falling perfectly into place. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but that's how it seems. Granted, it could easily change, but I like this. It feels good to me.

Coming across the bridge on that GreyHound, I looked over at downtown Portland. It was lit up perfectly in the night, and I'll admit, I got a little teary-eyed. It felt like coming home.