When one deserts you, and all hope is lost... What do you have left?
Determination. That's all I have... and that alone beats out the best weed, the strongest kin, and the most forceful of men.
So many things have been running through my head lately... And none of them I can take the time to explain.
Family duties -- I have them. I wish other people could understand the obligations that I have to fulfill. I'll never explain it, probably not to anyone, nor will I explain the consequences if I fail...
Military -- ... but I'm a warrior. I know a warrior is different than a soldier. If I could go back to the way things were, of course I would. I can't live in the past, though. I can't bring back the way of leadership and respect, the true way of honor. I don't think it's even possible to have that again. And I've been finding more and more scars on me, too.
Relations -- I was talking to someone this morning. Relationships came into the conversation. I simply said, "I don't date." He asked how that work, the typical 'what the fuck' response and all that. He asked, what, if I just skipped the whole thing or if I just didn't do relationships or what.... I answered, simply, that I just don't, none of it. I think it blew his mind. He asked me why... "Worthless." I muttered under my breath. He didn't hear me, so I said it again. "Worthless... They're worthless."
I'm tired now, because I just got home from work not too long ago, but that has nothing to do with it. I don't care for boys, for girls, for love or relations of any sort. Get me a good buzz, a great high, and my body still gets hypersensitive, but that's completely different. When was the last time I dated? Well, honestly, it was back in February. When was the last time I cared? ... It was when I attempted to destroy the connection with the one person that made me the strongest, that made me feel the most... One of the two people I've ever loved, and the one that fucked me up the most. The last person I cared about, or even thought about caring for, well, I tried to destroy a part of his soul. I would have succeeded if circumstances had been a little different.
... Don't test. Don't trust. Don't believe. It's all real, and it still hurts like Hell.
July 8, 2007
I might be going away soon
But for now's too soon to tell.
If anything is left behind,
Believe it'll be riddled words.
Few will know where I wake,
Footsteps shadow in rippled sand,
Love wades far behind,
Never knowing where I'll be.
Impossible to follow
When paths lay untread before.
I might be going away soon,
But no one's sure quite when.
There's no telling for how long
Nor when I might return.
I wish I'd explain it simply
So you'd understand the toll,
But only secrets can remain
In this unpleasant situation.
I might be going away soon,
And no one's certain where.
Confusion, struggles cloud the road
To hide those past the drama,
So don't worry if you can't see me,
It just means you're not looking hard enough.
I might be going away soon,
From the drugs and drama and drinking.
I hope to be going away soon
To let shadows fill the room
So shallow sights cannot be seen
From fragile boys afraid of loss
And uncertain girls who daren't try
For the things they really want.
Life leads us seperately
So as not to be confused,
But don't we all run reckless anyway
Because it's the pathetically easy way out?
I might be running alone soon,
So that I can make things happen,
Fulfill all my obligations
To family and beyond.
It means all will be finished,
That everything will find its peace;
Sovereignty and broken angel wings
Lay scarred and scattered at my feet.
I need them to find
All that lay around me.
I might be going home soon,
To train with the best and the fiercest.
Home to family and endless love,
To everything and nothing.
Searching wouldn't help anyway,
Unless you know where to start...
A shining moon, to trust the wolf
Inside and next to me,
So vicious battles be won with faith
As I tread these waters alone.
So I missed school on Thursday because I could barely move... I somehow managed through Friday, got a little stoned before I went to work, and then lasted there from 3 to 10...
Left work two hours early (I was 'in theory' working to 12, though I was on the schedule for a 4 -11) because I was in so much pain I couldn't walk and was crying.
My dad picked me up and took me straight to the UW (University of Washington) ER, bless him. They had me wait for about two hours, took me into the back and made my dad wait for another hour, then had us both wait for one more hour until they punctured the vein in my left arm trying to give me an IV...
Finally they got it on my right arm, pumped me full of drugs that, btw, weren't nearly as strong as they said they'd be. According to the doc, I shouldn't and wasn't likely to remember the event. Yeah, fuck that.... It HURT... and after doing four piercings the weekend beforehand without barely flinching, I mean it fucking HURT...
Finally, I get out of there and home around 6 am... call my supervisor at work (the Asst. Manager) who bitches and kept saying "You're killing me... You're killing me here." Finally I hand the phone to my dad, who was later pissed at how the Asst. Manager treated me, and I ate and passed-the-fuck-out...
Yay for the 'floaty meds', as I was referring to them last night. (Couldn't remember the actual name. Just remembered they made the room kind of glow and made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.)
And one last note... Vicoden ain't all it's cracked up to be.
I just miss the days when everybody gave a damn.
Please dear gods, make it stop hurting.
I'd like to dedicate this one to SM.... His wise words helped me see a lot of hidden things in the world and how people act. It is from him that I got my silence, and he helped to inspire some of my best works.
It was around this time last year that I first met him. That's where this comes from...
I highly suggest that EVERYONE stay FAR away from me this weekend.
Someone make their dumb asses get online.
níl cinnte an áit tá ceann a ghabháil mé. aithním an áit mé croi a, ach tá fadhbanna ann. siad araon coinnigh mé slán; siad araon déan mé sona. mé déan gáire nó déan sdotaíl. muid magadh. tá bheith i ngrá le siad araon ach i bheatha difriúil.
tá mé croi. tá ó tús. tá sé deacair láithreach bonn, ach smaoineamh riamh rith sé liom. tá mo croí istigh inti ach is mian liom mé abair sé. is mian liom múscail taobh le é gach maidin, agus is mian liom siad sin beagán laethanta ní costas a an oiread. sé muinín mé; Aithním sé. tá feic tá sé ar a sháimhín in éineacht le mé níos mó ná cén uair muid in éineacht roimh. sé dúirt tá sé titim i ngrá le mé. is maith liom sin. an mothú é fáth dúil bhocht a bheith agat i, druga. féadfaidh é bheith i ngrá le cheana, amhail tá do é.
ach ansin tá an ceann eile ann, an sábháil. tá feic tá sé an níos mó láidir ceachtar. tá mothú amhlaidh sábháilte in éineacht le é. níl cabhair ach cion a bheith agat ar é. tá sé ann do mé amhail dlúthchara, deartháir mór beagnach. ansin mo smaointe seo maidin, mo intinn bheith srac le an rud a dúirt aréir. cé atá ann mé muinín aire a thabhairt do mé? agus sé súile... sé súile macasamhail mo chuidse. siad coinnigh an rud céanna tine, coinnigh an rud céanna ainmhíoch griolsa. tá déan mé fonn orm é a ghríosú bog chun tosaigh, scaoileadh é saor amhlaidh é níl a dhéanamh coinnigh cúl ar. céard má muid dul an árasán in éineacht? mhaith mé bhéith ábalta rud a coinnigh cúl ar? tá smaoinigh má mé le ligean a tine tar amach, cheannsa lean. má é dul as do chrann cumhachta, mé fosta. céard an contúirt scaoileadh saor dó na seanda? tá aithním é is féidir le smacht a bheith agat ar cois mé. níl amhras tá sé láidir go leor, seans réidh mar láidir mar mé... seans níos mó. an tú cad mé mian? aithním é atá. ar a laghad ar bith, sé bain sult as sé. tá sé teaghlach; tá mothú sí. is mian liom amháin feic é arís eile, féach isteach i a súile agus feic cad é laistiar de an ainmhí, cad é coinnigh an tine. mura mbeadh ann ach, mura mbeadh ann ach.