twiztid_tears (twiztid_tears) wrote,

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"Worthless"... It's all worthless...

So many things have been running through my head lately... And none of them I can take the time to explain.

Family duties -- I have them. I wish other people could understand the obligations that I have to fulfill. I'll never explain it, probably not to anyone, nor will I explain the consequences if I fail...

Military -- ... but I'm a warrior. I know a warrior is different than a soldier. If I could go back to the way things were, of course I would. I can't live in the past, though. I can't bring back the way of leadership and respect, the true way of honor. I don't think it's even possible to have that again. And I've been finding more and more scars on me, too.

Relations -- I was talking to someone this morning. Relationships came into the conversation. I simply said, "I don't date." He asked how that work, the typical 'what the fuck' response and all that. He asked, what, if I just skipped the whole thing or if I just didn't do relationships or what.... I answered, simply, that I just don't, none of it. I think it blew his mind. He asked me why... "Worthless." I muttered under my breath. He didn't hear me, so I said it again. "Worthless... They're worthless."

I'm tired now, because I just got home from work not too long ago, but that has nothing to do with it. I don't care for boys, for girls, for love or relations of any sort. Get me a good buzz, a great high, and my body still gets hypersensitive, but that's completely different. When was the last time I dated? Well, honestly, it was back in February. When was the last time I cared? ... It was when I attempted to destroy the connection with the one person that made me the strongest, that made me feel the most... One of the two people I've ever loved, and the one that fucked me up the most. The last person I cared about, or even thought about caring for, well, I tried to destroy a part of his soul. I would have succeeded if circumstances had been a little different.

... Don't test. Don't trust. Don't believe. It's all real, and it still hurts like Hell.

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